Another Day

My stomach is really bothering me. Since I got hit with the stomach flu (or whatever its was) I have been feeling this odd pain in my stomach. I went to the hospital last week where the doctor, who had at one time assulted me ( two years ago) told me last week that I had free air in my bowel. My CT showed nothing while my X-Ray showed free fluid. The thing is that I told the doctor it felt like I had a parital obsutction not a ful obstuction and it was validated by the X-Ray yet not the CT. There is a really good explanation for this. I did not recieve the dye essential for someone who is as thin as I am (76% ideal weight) to be able to see anything diagnostic or otherwise on that CT scan. I know my body. For years I said I had a bad gallbladder. Finally I get so sick doctors were forced to do something about it. Goodness knows how much unnessessay radiation I endured hoping doctors would read these scans correctly in my area. All of this was in vain. Now I run into the same thing. Luckily despite the fact that the doctor at this hospital who had an X-Ray convirming that I had a partial obstruction told me so and I knew exactly what "free air" means. He never confirmed that I had a partial obstuction. He just asked me why I thought I had one. Simple answer: I have had dozens upon dozens. They are painful...nauseating and torurous until they pass. Bowel rest, fluids (usually IV) and a G-Tube (if vomitting continues) is the recommended treatment. I got a handful of discharge papers. I guess in some ways it's good to have had so many dang partial obstructions (and one full requiring major surgery at the age of 19) and that I have a dangerous eating disorder, anorexia, because I was able to not eat or drink more than 8oz of fluid. Now I am am weak. I haven't passed gas today yet I am not nauseated. This leads me to think that the obstruction is clearing. It would have cleared faster if  I would have been hospitalized. Not that I love doctors or nurses. In fact I was once going to be a doctor hence how I know when facts are being told do me as fictions or fiction is just given. I would probably be getting my undergraduate degree to become a doctor, a CT surgeon or immunologist/epidemiologist if it had not been for the two years of battery, harrassment and down right lies I had to endure as a patient. I wish, I wish I were 100% healthy. I wish I were like most, not having to go to a doctor but maybe once a year for their annual check. My ob/gyn has told me I am being too hard on myself. That "death was at my door nine months ago" and that I was being too hard on myself. I know that none of this was my fault and the fact that it could continue scares the hell out of me. I am sitting here at three thirty AM scared and almost in tears writing this blog. Why? Becuase I am starting to dream about what happened in those two years...four really. It's just...I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I feel totally derailed. The one thing I do I know: I will not be a doctor. Never. I will not ever chance becoming anything like those doctors those tens of dozens of doctors that hurt me in a way no person should ever be hurt. And it stays in me....and it reminds me of many aspects of my mother and childhood and while examining this I do not know how I remain alive. I am so scared of doctors...I am so scared of needles and nurses and people in scubs (even if they are vetrinarians). I was betrayed by the people, the staff of hospitals, who were meant to be on my side. In fact, they were never on my side. They took third party information that was false. That third party information came from my mother and this is how and why what those doctors did to me, said to me, implied and accused remind me of my mother.

I am crying now...I can't open this box anymore.

Alley